Is it time to break up with your therapist?
Why it may be time to reevaluate your relationship with talk therapy
“Go to therapy.” This seems to be the first morsel of advice dished out to anyone going through a difficult time. And I admit, it has some incredible benefits that I am thankful for. Finding a therapist kickstarted my healing journey. However, at some point I realized it could only help me along the path for so long until I had to reposition it as part of a bigger toolbox of supportive practices.
When I recommend others to start therapy, I say it because it helped me find my voice. For my entire life, I had always seen myself as this repressed, painfully shy, introverted soul (Pisces Moon here, hi) with so many deep feelings and existential worries - but unable to string those thoughts and emotions into any kind of coherent dialogue. Could I write them down in a private journal? Sure. Open myself up to being vulnerable and verbally expressive and experience true connection with another human? Uh…nope. I only knew myself as someone that would just burst into tears the moment things felt too overwhelming. It was ultimately a very isolating way to live and I existed for decades never truly expressing how I felt or feeling understood.
I got lucky with the first therapist I found. She had the soft-spoken, kind and compassionate aura I was intuitively seeking. All our sessions were conducted via Zoom and I liked that I could tuck myself in any cozy corner of my home that felt safe that day and I didn’t have to drive home shielding my ugly crying face. I remember how it felt that first session when she calmly asked me: how are you doing? And it hit me — this was the first time being asked that simple question where I didn’t have to lie or save face and say “good” or “I’m fine”. This person was here, literally just to hold space for the next hour for me. To listen without judgement. And crucially for me, was not connected to anyone I knew. I was blissfully anonymous. Privacy and not trusting anyone to know anything about your personal life or struggles behind closed curtains was something my Mother had drilled into me from birth, hence my issue with vulnerability. That was one of my many a-ha moments.
Looking back on those first few sessions, I mostly just cried my eyes out. I sobbed as I finally said out loud all the big, scary feelings I had kept locked up inside since childhood. I grew more comfortable with letting someone see me cry and not feel weak. Soon the emotional tidal waves were replaced with more therapeutic conversations with a more natural ebb and flow. BUT - it was not the actual therapy sessions that helped me make the best progress. For me, the following was key.
Let’s say you’re spending one hour a week talking to your therapist. How are you actively spending your ‘thinking’ hours the rest of the week? Where else are you devoting dedicated ‘think and feel’ time to the most important issues or goals on your mind that week? I found the most clarity I ever had was during walking on the treadmill in my garage (best pandemic purchase I made) with my headphones in listening to — and this is important — single-person podcasts. At the time, I specifically enjoyed Mindset Mentor podcast with Rob Dial. Still do occasionally. But whatever subject matter I was into that week, I would search and find a voice and a vibe I resonated with.
I started to call it my “walking therapy” where I would walk and listen and try to mentally articulate what was coming up for me. “E-motion” is energy in motion, so it’s important to pair movement when trying to alchemize emotions and shift stagnant energy or physical tension. I remember one particular podcast episode on why it is so hard to change, there was a quote about needing to let the old version of yourself die to make space for the new one to come in.
“A seed has to totally destroy itself to become a flower”
That was a teary-eyed moment where I thanked my old protective coping mechanisms for trying to keep me safe, but I no longer needed them anymore. I was ready for a bigger life. These were the quiet moments where the little shifts began to happen.
A lot of podcasts are guest based and often there is just too much back and forth waffle. But by comparison, pay attention to an expert in their field who has hundreds if not thousands of hours under their belt speaking on the topic and communicating with clarity. Not all are created equal - find one that resonates. Notice their cadence, the pacing, the language choice, how they convey tone or emotion and when to pause. I would give the same advice to someone nervous about a public speaking engagement. As if by osmosis, I became a better communicator.
As the months passed I could hear myself in therapy express myself in increasingly articulate ways. People in my life started to notice a difference. I was more vulnerable so people were more open with me. I was a better listener. I argued better. I was less reactive. More compassionate. Because the voice coming out of me now felt the truest it had ever been, I felt a sense of connection I hadn’t experienced before.
I was in therapy over the course of about eighteen months. But I had started to notice that I was still repeating myself in the same thought loops. Sometimes just to fill the hour and feel like I’d been productive. I thought I had identified my childhood wounds, my triggers, my life goals - but it wasn’t getting me any closer to taking the actions needed to build this big beautiful life I had in my head. I thought I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn’t doing it. The stickiness, or stuckness, was still there. Therapy helped me clear through some mental weeds and find my voice but it did not seem to be helping beyond that. When I dove into learning somatic therapy tools in combination with talk therapy, that is when my crippling anxiety finally dissolved. My mind and body needed to connect again. I realized the process of ‘healing’ takes a much broader and holistic approach.
I’ve had conversations with friends who have been with the same therapist for years, but say they are still lodged in the same patterns and not getting much further. A friend going through a divorce bemoaned that fact all she did was talk about her ex in her therapy sessions. But here she was making a conscious choice: to make him the focus of her sessions and continue rehashing the past, rather than directing energy towards a positive action plan for her future self. I said, the therapist gets paid either way, and they will follow your lead on whatever subject you feel compelled to revisit.
During my three year hiatus from talk therapy, I honestly found so many wonderful creators on TikTok who are passionate about their corner of the internet. I unlocked so many other disciplines and healing modalities. Part of THE UPLEVEL is dedicated to conversations with these creators to share their knowledge and impart their wisdom in hopes they can help even more people.
I am going back to therapy because I feel ready to unpeel another layer. I feel I have gained new perspectives on myself, my past conditioning and the wider world around me. I’m actually excited to have that dedicated space again to get to know this version of myself even better and see where those reflections will lead me. I also realized when you do a lot of inner work, it can generate a LOT of heavy energy. I underestimated the importance of needing to have people or places to properly discharge it. That heavy energy was bleeding into my relationship unconsciously and that’s not healthy for anyone involved.
If you are blessed enough to have a trusted support circle to turn to during difficult times, consider yourself RICH. Not everyone has the privilege and struggles in silence. In that scenario, committing time and money to therapy could be one of the greatest investments you could ever make in yourself. Just make sure that individual is the right fit for your own personal needs and vibe.
Therapy is awesome. Truly. It can actually give you back time — the time you lose spinning your wheels on a topic and looping over and over with no mental exit in sight. That shit is exhausting. You can learn how to detach from your ruminations. Therapy allows you to unleash the thought and let it exist outside of you. It’s like examining a rock in your hand. The rock is the thought and you can be the observer of the thought. It is so freeing. Just be cautious of letting your sessions keep you trapped in the past and repeating loops in the guise of self-improvement and approach it instead as simply one tool among many on your transformational journey.
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Please share in the comments: what limitations, if any, did you experience with talk therapy? What were some of the biggest skills you learned from it?
I am not a medical or mental health professional. The opinions shared here are my own and are for general informational purposes only. They are not intended as professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult a qualified professional for personalized guidance and support.